You there? Its me, the friend with MS.........

You ever wonder what goes on in other peoples minds when they approach someone sick, with a disability for a first time? Especially if this person is a friend you've known forever and its a first meeting since the disability set in. You can just see how uncomfortable they are by the look in their eyes!

Me, being the disabled one, sometimes feel bad for the person on the other end of this. BUT, those who know me also know I probably will make the awkwardness worse just for the hell of it! Why you ask? Well, that could be for several reasons. Is this person just now coming around the "newness" because they have been avoiding you and your illness straight out over the years? Did this person have legitimate reasons for not coming around until (even tho I cant imagine one). Or perhaps is it my fault? Have I deliberately shut myself off from the world around me due to the depression and less then equal feeling I have to my old friends now?

I often sit and wander just those things. For someone like me who use to have a very happy full life working and staying busy with a young son, that all started slowing down month after month, then day by day. I've had people say how "lucky" I am that I get to stay home all the time, don' have to work, get to be with my son more. Seriously? First off, if you call getting MS lucky, then hell yeah I hit gold! Unfortunately, it's fools gold.

I miss my independence. Being at work, having conversations with other adults all day, throwing gossip in here and there. Just having something to challenge my brain was great! Unfortunately, it doesn't take much to challenge my brain now with the cognitive problems. But I work around it as best I can.

I dont think friends and old colleagues realize how much a part of your life they were. They still have a very busy and fulfilling life going on. One you wish you could still have, but never truly will again.

Just for fun tho, I actually do let myself go out sometimes, in my mind. On the hot summer days I imagine myself on a boat on the lake or a water park with my son having a blast. On a cooler evening just taking a walk without tripping or falling, maybe around the neighborhood with David and our dogs. The best is my mind trips to the beach. I can smell the salty air, feel the breeze and the sun on my skin. All this with no worries of core body temp overheating :) A girl can dream!

As of right now, thats exactly what im gonna do, dream! This time maybe a balcony at the beach, coffee in hand, no pain anywhere, just me and love and light ♥